Merriam Webster defines rest first and foremost as, "freedom from activity or labor". This definition conjures up images of #selfcare by way of bubble baths and large glasses of wine, two things I'm definitely known to be fond of. But with times being as stressful as they are as we enter into yet another month of sheltering in place with no clear end in sight, I can't help but wonder if this really all there is to rest?
Interestingly enough, when you scroll down a bit you'll find definition number four, which actually defines rest as, "peace of mind or spirit". Now that is a definition of rest that sounds equally as appealing as it does elusive. As an actor, I am no stranger to the phrase, "the show must go on". Before moving to New York, this meant working as much as possible in order to save up for the big move. Once in New York City, this meant waking up before 6am multiple times a week to put my name on lists in the hope that I would get seen at the many Equity casting calls happening during the peak of audition season. This was while I of course continued to work multiple jobs in order to make sure that I could still pay rent each month.
When we first entered the lockdown, I'd be lying if I said a sense of relief didn't was over me. Having a month to sit at home without feeling guilty for not wanting to put on makeup at 5:15am or dragging myself to the gym after a 9-5 shift sounded like the reprieve I'd been praying for. But, I soon realized that simply resting from my regular activities did not put me in a state of rest. Two weeks into quarantine I was logging onto Instagram and Facebook to see people were churning out songs, plays, and all other kinds of content, while I was feeling guiltier than ever about my lack of productivity. Instead of treating this time as a time of retreat, I was thinking about the fact that I no longer had any excuse not to learn six new monologues and songs or perfect my skills as a songwriter. I was free from my previous labor but was quickly making myself slave to a variety of new labor in the confines of my home.
But after weeks of self-torture, I hit rock bottom. I couldn't get out of bed for most of the day, and when I did get up I just sat numbly binging episodes on Hulu. Funnily enough, this is where I learned to lean in to the fourth definition of rest. When I let go of my obsession with productivity, I began to feel an absence of anxiety that I haven't known since before I started college. When I let go of my concern with what everyone would think of me or whether they would remember me, I finally had enough room in my hands to hold onto the notion that I am enough. Without any of my accomplishments, habits, or perfectionism, my existence is still valid.
I don't know where my career field will be at the end of 2020, theatre's return will likely be a slow and painful rebirth. I don't even know where our country will be, and whether I'll have the luxury to worry about following my passion for the rest of my life. What I do know, is that I, along with the rest of the country, have been presented an opportunity to hit pause and enter a peace of mind and spirit. So while I wait for the chance to sing in the same room as a casting director and make champagne toasts with my friends again, I will explore every avenue of self-fulfillment that I can without any regard for how it will further my skillset or my marketability. And perhaps when this is all over, I will be able to return to my community a better member for having taken the time to know myself, and becoming at peace with who I am.
Interestingly enough, when you scroll down a bit you'll find definition number four, which actually defines rest as, "peace of mind or spirit". Now that is a definition of rest that sounds equally as appealing as it does elusive. As an actor, I am no stranger to the phrase, "the show must go on". Before moving to New York, this meant working as much as possible in order to save up for the big move. Once in New York City, this meant waking up before 6am multiple times a week to put my name on lists in the hope that I would get seen at the many Equity casting calls happening during the peak of audition season. This was while I of course continued to work multiple jobs in order to make sure that I could still pay rent each month.
When we first entered the lockdown, I'd be lying if I said a sense of relief didn't was over me. Having a month to sit at home without feeling guilty for not wanting to put on makeup at 5:15am or dragging myself to the gym after a 9-5 shift sounded like the reprieve I'd been praying for. But, I soon realized that simply resting from my regular activities did not put me in a state of rest. Two weeks into quarantine I was logging onto Instagram and Facebook to see people were churning out songs, plays, and all other kinds of content, while I was feeling guiltier than ever about my lack of productivity. Instead of treating this time as a time of retreat, I was thinking about the fact that I no longer had any excuse not to learn six new monologues and songs or perfect my skills as a songwriter. I was free from my previous labor but was quickly making myself slave to a variety of new labor in the confines of my home.
But after weeks of self-torture, I hit rock bottom. I couldn't get out of bed for most of the day, and when I did get up I just sat numbly binging episodes on Hulu. Funnily enough, this is where I learned to lean in to the fourth definition of rest. When I let go of my obsession with productivity, I began to feel an absence of anxiety that I haven't known since before I started college. When I let go of my concern with what everyone would think of me or whether they would remember me, I finally had enough room in my hands to hold onto the notion that I am enough. Without any of my accomplishments, habits, or perfectionism, my existence is still valid.
I don't know where my career field will be at the end of 2020, theatre's return will likely be a slow and painful rebirth. I don't even know where our country will be, and whether I'll have the luxury to worry about following my passion for the rest of my life. What I do know, is that I, along with the rest of the country, have been presented an opportunity to hit pause and enter a peace of mind and spirit. So while I wait for the chance to sing in the same room as a casting director and make champagne toasts with my friends again, I will explore every avenue of self-fulfillment that I can without any regard for how it will further my skillset or my marketability. And perhaps when this is all over, I will be able to return to my community a better member for having taken the time to know myself, and becoming at peace with who I am.
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