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Why I Won't Be Stepping on a Scale Again





A few days ago I downloaded a running app that asked me to input my height and weight. I figured I’d be as accurate as possible so I hopped on the bathroom scale. My stomach dropped when I looked down and realized that in the 10 weeks I’ve been in quarantine, I’ve already gained 8 pounds!

I immediately began brainstorming ways to discipline myself. Should I start counting calories? Throw out all the snacks in the house? Maybe it was time to finally go Keto? I ruminated on the possibilities miserably on my couch, sipping very deliberately on lemon water. I know I’d said this time was about rest, but I couldn’t actually sit and do nothing, could I?

As an actor, beauty standards regarding body image have been tied to my professional worth for as long as I can remember. As a Black woman attempting to live up to white beauty standards, the pressure is compounded. But, I frequently patted myself on the back over the years, proudly telling friends and family that I didn’t personally care about my weight, I was only interested in making sure that I looked like someone casting directors wanted to hire. But on this day there was no denying that I had allowed my size to become something I used to judge my self worth in a very personal way.

Luckily, I had a moment of clarity later that very day while I was on a run with the app that started it all. I left for my run feeling motivated only by shame and the compulsion to lose 18 pounds to make up for the 8 I’d gained. But along the way when I looked down at my tracer and saw 0.7 miles, I was suddenly motivated by the thought of how quickly I could take that 0.7 to 1.0 miles. This challenge gave me far more energy and excitement than weight loss ever has and probably ever will. When I finally made it back home, I was already thinking about how much time I could possibly shave off my next set of miles.

Running against the clock helped me remember something essential; I don’t enjoy eating well and working out because of how it makes me look. I love living a healthy lifestyle because of the way it makes me feel. I love realizing that I can lift a dumbbell 5 pounds heavier than I could the week before. I love realizing a jump squat set doesn’t leave me as out of breath as it did during my first attempt. And I love eating food that leaves me feeling full, not like I have heartburn or indigestion. I want to measure the progress of my fitness journey by what I can accomplish, not by a number that honestly doesn’t even accurately represent what people see when I stand in front of them. So, I will continue pushing myself to my limits when it comes to exercise. But I also won’t hesitate to savor a bowl of ice cream after that workout is done. And the next time an app asks me how much I weigh, I’ll just stick to giving it my best guess.


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  1. Alex ElijahMay 25, 2020 at 5:39 PM

    Beautifully worded and very motivating������

    ReplyDelete

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